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Yes, I know I promised you a post on “Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?”.

Yes, I know this isn’t the topic.

Yes, I know it’s been over a month since my last post.

No, it’s not true that the reason I haven’t posted it is because I don’t want to answer the question “Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?”. Although I don’t really want to answer that question.

In fact, the programme and I have not been getting on very well recently. I’ve been going to meetings and thinking, well, I’m hating this, why am I here? And I’ve not been talking to people in the fellowship, or using my sponsor, or really doing anything of the stuff that’s suggested. And it felt, well, pretty hypocritical to be writing about the 12 step programme when I’m not working it.

The good news, for me, for today, if anyone is interested, is that whatever low-level malaise that was affecting me over the past few months seems to be lifting. Tonight a Daniel Johnston song came on Spotify (don’t you just love Spotify?), and for the first time in a long while I got the kind of spiritual lift that sometimes it seems that music can give me. Here’s the song. I can’t talk any more as I have a meeting to get to.

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Daniel Johnston - Life in Vain

Next topic: we’ll deal with that tomorrow.

Well I don’t actually identify too strongly with this one. I’ve certainly compulsively acted on an obsession, but then my usual post-event behaviour is one of remorse / self-loathing / guilt rather than “oh, that was what I meant to do all the time”. I suppose when I’m actually doing the act the level of denial is sufficient for me to get on and do it as if it was the plan, rather than worry too much about remorse and guilt at that stage. Although whenever getting sick of being sick, the remorse and guilt kick in at a much earlier stage.

Sorry if this looks like a stream of consciousness - it is. Putting it down in black and white just makes me feel grateful that, today, I’m not having to go through this thinking. Boy, it was exhausting.

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William DeVaughn - Be Thankful For What You Have Got

Next topic: How have I blamed other people for my behaviour?

Chapter 30 of Living Sober, the penultimate chapter, and it’s the first time the Twelve Steps get a mention. And a very gentle mention, because one of the attractions of Living Sober is that it’s a more secular, gentler read than some of the older AA literature.

The chapter talks about how the Twelve Steps came into being - seemingly hopeless alcoholics managing to find sobriety by helping each other. It suggests finding out more about the Steps from the proper sources (literature, meetings, seeking identification with other alcoholics), and perhaps trying to help others. It’s a fantastic approach to the Steps - when I first saw them I saw “you’re crap, GOD, give up your darkest secrets to some alkie and GOD, defects, humiliate yourself, GOD, GOD” and, perhaps not unsurprisingly with that attitude, rejected them. Spending less time projecting and prejudging, and trying to have an open mind to try something, even insincerely at first, is the way into the Steps.

I’ve been internet shopping again, and a CD plopped through the letterbox today: The Late Great Daniel Johnston Discovered Covered. Its a double CD, one disc of cover versions of Daniel Johnston songs and the other the original versions. I’ve been listening to the CD, writing to this blog and chatting online to a dear friend, and trying unsuccessfully to think of a song to accompany this chapter heading. The song playing, “Go”, didn’t seem appropriate at first, advice to a shy lover, but the more I listened to it (on repeat) the more it dawned on me that it’s perfect. Daniel’s telling his listener to try. It’s good advice. Here’s the cover by Sparklehorse with the Flaming Lips, and the original.

Yes, life’s a bowl of cherries
You can have as many as you can carry
And someone once said that life is like a cow
But I don’t know how that applies
But anyhow here we are all on this planet
Taking everything for granted
But I think you’ve caught on to something
Don’t let go
Go go go go you restless soul, you’re going to find it

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Sparklehorse with the Flaming Lips - Go

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Daniel Johnston - Go

Next topic: Finding your own way.

For a change, instead of music, an AA share. From a convention in Iceland in 2003, we have 3 minutes of stand up comedy from the chair (bear with it, the punchline’s good) and then, for a little over an hour, the fairly mind-blowing share of Earl H. Just my opinion, but whether you’ve been to a meeting, not been to a meeting, or not been to a meeting nor never likely to need to go to a meeting, it’s worth a listen. More shares, from AA and other 12 step fellowships can be found on the XA Speakers site. Top tip: load them on the iPod to while away tedious train / plane / car journeys.

God, the blog is reading like Reader’s Digest today.

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Earl H - Iceland Convention 2003

Next topic: Trying the Twelve Steps.